If It Didn't Suck....

Familiarity, however, does breed contempt. I had been calling her from work, because she used to want to hear my voice during the day. And on days we wouldn’t see one another we’d talk for at least an hour on the phone, or IM one another. I had changed my screen name to a sickening combo of our initials with LUVZ between them. Yeah I know. Even I can succumb to feminine wiles once in a while as well. Sorry I am only human.

On the weekends that we would see one another she started to not talk as much anymore and began to say things like, “we talk all day, there’s nothing left to say.”

At one point she even said, “we talk all day and see eacher all the time, its too much.”

Too much. Interesting way of putting it. Though this happened after one night, in a moment of weakness during a late night phone conversation I said, “I love you.”

“What?” she asked.
“I love you Tammy.” Big silence. Her reply?
“It makes me feel really good that you said that.” Should I have woken up and smelled the El Pico at that point? No not me, I moved ahead and continued like nothing had changed. But it did.

Soon her friends became more of a fixture into in our relationship. It was me and Tammy. That is, it was me, Tammy, and Ellen and Robin. All the time. Then Robin started to date this guy next door to her, so it was the five of us. All the time. We had very little alone time anymore and I was getting pissed. I decided to do something about it so I broached the subject and she said that’s what couples do, they hang with other couples, I guess she was forgetting her other friend, but that wasn’t the point. I said well couples hang with other couples and then hey spend time alone as well.

The following day I spoke with her on the phone and said that maybe we should just take a week off from seeing one another. Just to take a breather. I figured if that is what she wanted, that if it was “too much” as she put it maybe we should pull back a bit.

The week was the second week in July, It began on a Sunday and would go to the following Sunday. No phone contact or IMing. That Saturday I had already had a party to go to that she declined to come to earlier on so there really wasn’t a problem with this little separation, in fact, it was a good idea, at least I thought so at the time. I was a little upset, but I was willing to give her the space she needed. And I had a chance to go to he party guilt free.

The party was a pool party in Staten Island, given someone I knew from work. It was her first year at my job and first summer party of hers I was invited too. The only problem was I had no ride. The reason that Tammy said she didn’t want to go was because she said that she gets nauseous traveling over bridges. In fact whenever she goes on a long ride she takes Dramamine. So if we didn’t have that little arrangement that weekend I would not have gone, because I would have wanted to be with Tammy. Though it did work out for the best, because I spent some time with Patricia outside of school and soon after that day she became one of my best friends, if not indeed my best friend.

Dan had been invited and wanted to get out of the house so he decided to go, and he drove me. The party was great. I had a good time, and surprisingly I really didn’t miss Tammy all tha much. Now one can say that’s good because we are so comfortable with one another that we can have a good time on out own or it says that we really don’t care all that much about one another. I didn’t think much of that at all. I did think about seeing Tammy that Sunday.
Early Sunday morning I called Patricia to thank her for inviting me and to tell her I had a great time. As we spoke another call came through. It was Tammy, I hung up with Patricia and said I would call her back.

“Hey Tam, whats going on? I missed you.”
“I’ve been thinking.”
“About?”
“Us.”
Here it comes I thought.
“Yes,” I rather foolishly persued.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
DAMN, she went there. Before I could say anything she continued.
“It’s not you its me.”
Damn right its you, I thought, and I was brazen at that moment I said, “I know.”
“You are a really great guy, you nice and treat me right but I guess I am not ready.”
She was acting as though I proposed marriage. “Ready for what.”
“A serious relationship.”
“Your profile said you were otherwise Tammy I wouldn’t have started anything.”
There was a pause for a moment.
“I thought I was ready for a serious relationship. I guess I was wrong.”
“I guess so.”
“I didn’t mean to hurt you and I hope you find someone that will make you happy.”
As long as it's not you I thought.

“Doug, you made me feel things I thought were no longer possible for me, and I will never forget you for it. But now that these feelings are opened in my I think I have a lot of soul searching to do before I get serious, and its not fair to you.”
Oh god, just slit my fucking throat already.
“Take care Tammy.” I said.
She said something at that point and I hung up.

Dumped on the phone. At least she didn’t do it via Email.
I called Patricia back and told her what just happened. She was upset for me, and I don’t know if it was a result of that conversation, or that I felt freer to chill with her and not be guilty that I had a girlfriend at home to worry about, but we became closer on that day and remain as close until this very day.

Incidentally after I got off of the phone with Patricia I went on line. Mainly to change my screen name from our initials to something that would suite my mood. For a period of a few months my AOL screen name was the very depressing AGAINALONE . And there waiting for me, my last piece of email for screen name DVCLUZTJJ was a Dear C letter. I opened it, read it, and deleted it, as I was about to delete the screen name and the memory of this latest failed relationship. If it didn’t suck….it wouldn’t be my life.