If It Didn't Suck....

Now while even though I am indeed a pedagogue, I have never been an altruistic or even an optimistic one. I take things for what they are, students for who they are, and situations for what they are. At times, I know I fail miserably, in my attempts to reach the students, but nevertheless there are some breakthroughs. Though, the truth is painfully obvious to me, that these breakthroughs, these successes, would exist without me.

I have had recent online conversations with some former students, two to be exact, and both of them have succeeded in either achieving their goals, or well on the way, without having the obstacles of life trip them up. With one, we spoke of our class that we had, the one I taught, the one in which she learned, or I had hope she learned. The other we talked about the class as well, but briefly, and how I was still "silly".

Those of you who know me may or may not believe, that I do, at times try to help, and do no harm, and I try to reach the person more than teach the content. I do not know if I am doing a disservice or not. While I do, genuinely like many of my students, I hate the structure of the system. The machinations of which do all they can to widen the chasm between student and teacher and administration. All should be working together. Instead, we have a system in ruins.

I am left, after my twelfth year in the system believing that I am not a good teacher. That I am doing more harm than good, and in fact, I am left feeling that I have never done a good job. Though, when I chatted with these students, while not querying their opinion, they said that I was a good teacher. I find it hard to believe that, but I didn't ask, nor did we talk about teaching, but it was said nevertheless.

After being dehumanized, demoralized, and abused by a system that is unjust, and unfair, I wonder what am I even doing here. And then I ran into two of my students, and I know exactly why.