If It Didn't Suck....

My friend an I speak about my life, my marriage and my debt, and my health and many other things that transpire. This is MR. ABD now, and well his life isn't the one of a Rock Star, it is, by my strick standards, infinitely better than mine, and all roads seem to point to my marriage. I was getting out of debt, now I am entrenched in it. I was dealing with my diabetes, now I am on double pills and on blood pressure meds. And well, I am more bitter, more jaded, more angry and more cynical, if that is even humanly possible.

I want to throw in the towel sometimes, but, I am not a quitter. I want to leave this situation, but I never run from a problem. And I truly believe that you cannot ever achieve anything of value without great effort. But how long do I have to fight and struggle and preservers?

I grow tired of it all. Everything is an endless cycle of anger pain and despair followed by annoying bullshit.

We don't eat at a dinner table anymore, haven't for a long while. Days go by where we may share about a dozen or less words, and unfortunately I really don't give a fuck. I have grown, not comfortable with this "roommate" of mine, but I just don't care. She gets pissed I don't care. The apathy weighs around my chest like massive slabs of concrete, yet I hold on, for a change, for enlightenment and maybe for her to say she wants out.

I am usually the answer man, the go to guy (because lets face it, I take whatever life sends my way and am still here) but I really don't know what to do. Or even if I want to do anything. And then there are moments, where everything is like it was, but those are growing farther and farther apart.