If It Didn't Suck....

Perhaps I should be
Drinking the Night away
quite never knowing the way
or even if there ever was one.

Denied a second chance
Hell--- not even sure I ever had a first one
When souls were doled out I got a cursed one
Tired of making do
with what I’ve been given
shouldn't sins of the past be forgiven?

Slow….Burn….
interminable deterioration
slowly twist & turn
over hell’s precipice
always about to fall
into oblivion
or jammed on the needles point
or sliced on the razor’s edge

But I will never be given an easy out
I cannot ever receive a cure
I am guilty & my punishment is always the same
I must endure.

Each day it gets harder

to maintain my degree of ennui

It gets harder to be normal.

Not depressed-Not Ecstatic

Just to Be!

Like an addict who used to do just a little

until that would no longer do

then their habbit would increase

just to try to get the same high

then more & more

just to stay out of the bowels of life…

Perhaps if I had a companion

or better if I had religion

or something to occupy the

fathomless void in my soul

Then perhaps I’d be whole.

Looking out of the window I want to smash it and stick out my head and scream

HEY WHAT ABOUT ME MOTHERFUCKER!?!

I want to claw at my skin until I can feel something, anything but this numbness….

I want to sit here & cry uncontrollably

But I cannot/will not allow myself to lose it.

Self Control/Self Reliance/Social Acceptance/Compliance is very important

so I keep the basket case and the beast

locked away for now

but the cages are old & rusted

& I fear they may soon….

break…..

free.

Valentines Day 07

When I wrote this Valentines Day

was a week away

& it was a new day

new stage of my life

though things seem to still remain the same.

I’d be alone again

I know it’s lame & a crying shame

-How can someone as great as me

be confined to being lonely?

-Not really sure, but I’d rather be alone

than in misery.

Four of Cupid’s Anniersaries

I was supposedly in “Love”

Actually, it was a state of shock/confusion/temporary insantity/dementia

false, lies, hidden truths

as was the entirety of my marriage.

Why cant the day ever have meaning?

Why cant love ever be real?

Why is it getting so hard

for me to feel?