Saturday, October 27, 2007
My Shattered, Splintered, Fractured Selves....
Looking back again over my life, in yet another attempt at self realization, and with the help or hindrance of a friend I am left to analyze the reason(s) that I do not have success in relationships. (That is of the boyfriend/girlfriend type) I was told on this particular occasion, by my friend that it is because of my splintered, or fractured personality. (One piece of back story, the occasion that this was told to me was when we were having dinner, a birthday dinner, for her birthday, which I was treating that this not so delicate "reading" of me was revealed)
I often know I am me and also C and this I have mentioned previously. C is the abrasive, funny, perhaps sometimes mean and sarcastic, snotty or whatever simultaneous, rather than alter ego I possess. Douglas, I guess is the shy self and now I am told by my friend that I am also Doug, who is a mixture of both or perhaps neither of the other two.
So the three of me, according to this latest interpretation of my psyche, all reside in me as one. was told by once by my ex wife that she loves Doug (now known for the terms of this blog as Douglas) and that C is a bastard. She hated C. C, as she said. is a motherfucker. While that may be true, that part of me, C, saved me from staying a loveless and life suffocating marriage. C saved me from being taken advantage of. When I let that side of me tale over, I was able to get my life back and on track. Now back to my splintering, as it were...
It is my friend's hypothesis that women are confused by me, that I am an enigma because Douglas has it all together. Doug is funny and brash and a bit bawdy. C is a mess with all his ghetto language and the "don't give a shit attitude" that seems to permeate the room when he is around. However its when I am truly in
my comfort zone that I allow C to be free. When I date, he is never set loose.
Inevitably, within the first few dates the relationship fizzles and the lady says lets be friends. Now perhaps this is a lie but I am pursued, for some reason, for this new friendship, though it is always rebuked by me. If the offer of friendship was true and I accepted the offer, I would have countless female friends and no companionship. As it is now I have few but very close friends that I feel are like family; half of whom are women. I contend why should I always be so easy to read? is it not a great challenge to discover all the nuances of a person. Now I am three -according to my friend-and when I say no i rather not be friends with a woman who breaks up with me, I look like a pompous ass.
How can someone who knows me such a short time contend to know me? She didn't date me, so how does she claim to know why I am not successful in relationships?
I come across as a"nice guy" who also is very funny and is a good listener. All of these traits ensconced in one diverging self. C is always there, reigning it in. I guess some cannot handle the full effect even though these are all aspects of who I am and I guess while others are accused of "putting on airs", I most definitely put on my ghetto - and when I am in full ghetto mode - it sounds authentic, and while it appears that I am merely "keepin it real" I am really not. It is a facade. I can be whoever and whatever people need me to be at a particular moment, but then you ask what is there left for me? The real me...
Who is the real me? Hmmmm well, long story short, well not so short as it were but bear with me a bit longer...A blend of fractured and mismanaged upbringing, society's affect, and effects, broken promises, lies, defense mechanisms - some in place and some - gone awry, and the need to be part of something, anything, even for a moment despite my solitude being cherished as a rare family heirloom...though my family is all gone and left me nothing and well
These splintered, fractured, shattered aspects are what makes me unique. These differences are what makes all of us unique. And like the old adage says, well the old adages that has been amended by me, "If someone doesn't like me for who I am then FUCK THEM!!!!
I apologize not for my thoughts or vulgarity but only for my verbosity. If it didn't suck.....
I often know I am me and also C and this I have mentioned previously. C is the abrasive, funny, perhaps sometimes mean and sarcastic, snotty or whatever simultaneous, rather than alter ego I possess. Douglas, I guess is the shy self and now I am told by my friend that I am also Doug, who is a mixture of both or perhaps neither of the other two.
So the three of me, according to this latest interpretation of my psyche, all reside in me as one. was told by once by my ex wife that she loves Doug (now known for the terms of this blog as Douglas) and that C is a bastard. She hated C. C, as she said. is a motherfucker. While that may be true, that part of me, C, saved me from staying a loveless and life suffocating marriage. C saved me from being taken advantage of. When I let that side of me tale over, I was able to get my life back and on track. Now back to my splintering, as it were...
It is my friend's hypothesis that women are confused by me, that I am an enigma because Douglas has it all together. Doug is funny and brash and a bit bawdy. C is a mess with all his ghetto language and the "don't give a shit attitude" that seems to permeate the room when he is around. However its when I am truly in
my comfort zone that I allow C to be free. When I date, he is never set loose.
Inevitably, within the first few dates the relationship fizzles and the lady says lets be friends. Now perhaps this is a lie but I am pursued, for some reason, for this new friendship, though it is always rebuked by me. If the offer of friendship was true and I accepted the offer, I would have countless female friends and no companionship. As it is now I have few but very close friends that I feel are like family; half of whom are women. I contend why should I always be so easy to read? is it not a great challenge to discover all the nuances of a person. Now I am three -according to my friend-and when I say no i rather not be friends with a woman who breaks up with me, I look like a pompous ass.
How can someone who knows me such a short time contend to know me? She didn't date me, so how does she claim to know why I am not successful in relationships?
I come across as a"nice guy" who also is very funny and is a good listener. All of these traits ensconced in one diverging self. C is always there, reigning it in. I guess some cannot handle the full effect even though these are all aspects of who I am and I guess while others are accused of "putting on airs", I most definitely put on my ghetto - and when I am in full ghetto mode - it sounds authentic, and while it appears that I am merely "keepin it real" I am really not. It is a facade. I can be whoever and whatever people need me to be at a particular moment, but then you ask what is there left for me? The real me...
Who is the real me? Hmmmm well, long story short, well not so short as it were but bear with me a bit longer...A blend of fractured and mismanaged upbringing, society's affect, and effects, broken promises, lies, defense mechanisms - some in place and some - gone awry, and the need to be part of something, anything, even for a moment despite my solitude being cherished as a rare family heirloom...though my family is all gone and left me nothing and well
These splintered, fractured, shattered aspects are what makes me unique. These differences are what makes all of us unique. And like the old adage says, well the old adages that has been amended by me, "If someone doesn't like me for who I am then FUCK THEM!!!!
I apologize not for my thoughts or vulgarity but only for my verbosity. If it didn't suck.....
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Greengirl is glad that she did not have a birthday party this year, and that this is not about her, because she can't answer any of these questions.
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# posted by 
: Wednesday, December 05, 2007 5:28:00 PM
: Wednesday, December 05, 2007 5:28:00 PM << Home
