If It Didn't Suck....

There are many times that I want to start over, leave everything behind, load up my Jeep and leave - destination unknown. I think I would start with a sprawling roadtrip until the last of my money, the last few checks, dwindle away; or at least they finally realize that I am never going to be back this way again. I wish Ihad the balls to just disappear into Americana and become someone else or just be me living a new life or perhaps a better one?

Is that running away from one's problems? Not so sure anymore. I am now divorced, without any children. As of the end of this month I will have cleared all my outstanding debts - student loans not withstanding. but then again who really cares about those anyway?-and am living free and clear albeit check to check.

Sometimes I want my life to be more than just ordinary, I want it to be vibrant and dynamic and different and unique. Sometimes I covet another's life while wanting to shuck the dead husks of my own.

I want to load up my Jeep, condense my life into the 5 or so cubic feet of space I have in the storage area and drive away, never looking back. Then, however, I think that it is something I should have done a couple of decades ago, when I was fresh out of High School and full of potential, but I had responsibilities to live up to; people depended on me. Perhaps while I was in college, I could have taken a semester off and toured the countryside but I made excuses, though those were few and the burdens were many, that wasn't a good time for it either. My lamentation of the exploring the caress of the open road continues to elude me.

My job, the only means of support, some close friends, well the ones who truly know me, are the only who truly understand me are the only things hard to sever, though I have unlimited texting and incalling so that may not be so bad...

I wonder what it would be like to go on this solo trio of mine, destination unknown, only stopping somewhere nice, somewhere that may feel more like home to me than home ever did. If I ever really had a home. Hmmm Pulling up there - wherever there is - and staying. Staying only if the love of the open road is finally consummated.