If It Didn't Suck....

On my ride back home from a friends house, on this Thanksgiving eve, I did a lot of thinking. About my favorite subject me. Now sorry to sound conceited, and don't abandoned this piece yet because it may have a nugget of wholesome goodness for you to chew on and mull over about your own life.

When I was married and even before that, at times, I was miserable. Since my liberation and my new lease on life I have been happier. That has been established. However, what I find interesting is now I often wonder about my life up until now and how I lived it. Did I cause my unhappiness? Were there conscious choices along the way that helped to keep me isolated? Drive friends away? Seek the darkness and shun the light? Okay, I get melodramatic sometimes, but you have to ask yourself some questions. Like the emo kids who are happy in their misery, or the kid that dresses weird and has no friends. How much of how we live the way we want to live has a direct effect on the quality of our lives?

I asked myself this driving home. Have my relationships failed because the only ones I have had a basis for were failures? Growing up my mother seemed to date only men who were drunkards. The relationships were volatile, and would end very badly. All of them. Do I pick relationships with women I know will fail? Friendships? Well I do have a circle of friends that I have had for some years and they are as close as family, though I will admit it seems difficult to make and keep new ones. Is that my fatal flaw, or do I just seem to meet up with people who are incompatible with my personality?

While I do feel lonely at times, and do seek companionship, I am also loathe to change my lifestyle. I did once, with dire results. I am happy now, though could be happier, should I stop seeking out the motivations to my new found feelings and go with the flow or do I do as always and analyze the shit out of it till I am miserable again?